This is a collection of limericks from alt.jokes.limericks and other sources, collected in 1996.
Mother held her little daughter Fifty minutes under water. Not to make her any troubles, But to see those funny bubbles. Father heard his children scream So he threw them in the stream Saying as he drowned the third Children should be seen - not heard
There once was a hermit named Dave, who kept a dead whore in his cave. And though I'll admit that it did stink a bit, Just think of the money he saved! There was an old miser named Dave Who kept a dead whore in his cave She had only one tit and smelled just like shit But think of the money he saved Little Jack Horner sat in his corner Playing with his grandma's twat Stuck in his pinky, Got it all stinky And said, "Damn, you're beginning to rot!" There once was a woman named Kit Who kept a dead lover named Brit I don't care if he reeks After all of these weeks But I'm madder than Hell that he split!
Sex related imericks:
There was a young lady from Greeling, who once had a very fine feeling, she laid on her back, fingered her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling! There was a young lady from Gallus, who used a dynamite stick for a phallus, they found her vagina, in North Carolina, and her asshole at Buckingham Palace! There was a young man from Strensil Whose point was a s sharp as a pencil On the night of his wedding It went clean through the bedding And shattered the chamber untensil. There once was a lady from Niger, Who had an affair with a Tiger. The result of the fuck Was a bald headed duck, Two gnats, and a circumcized spider. There lived a young virgin called Heidi whose box was always kept tidy there lived not a mortal who could enter her portal she's waiting for God almighty There was a girl named Tropp who impaled her cunt on a mop after thrusting away the better part of a day she rolled around in the slop Heather, that nasty little troll owned an abnormally large hole her twat was so wide into it I'd slide 4 fingers and a telephone pole A city boy named Matt came over to suck off my cat i asked if he drank he smiled cat-wank he didn't swallow, he spat There was a young man from Adace, who had balls that were constructed of brass, when he clanged them together, he could play "Stormy Weather", and lightning shot out his ass! There was a young wife from Nantucket, who was told by her husband to suck it, as she got on her knees, she said "Darling please, this time can we use a bucket?" There once was a man from South Bend -- Talked sodomy down, to a friend. Then up spoke a dude: "Sir, you say it is rude But you'll find it is fun in the end." There was an old man from Nantucket, Who's dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it." There once was a fellow named Dingus Who really enjoyed cunnilingus. One day after snackin' He misplaced his napkin And wiped off his face with his fingas. There was an old man from Stamboul, Who soliloquised thus to his tool: You've taken my wealth, and ruined my health. And now you won't _pee_, you old fool! There was a sweet thing from Champlain who grants sexual favors insane. You'd think that she'd laugh at a buck and a half, but you don't hear the tourists complain! There once was a girl from Madrass Who had a magnificent ass. Not pretty and pink as you probably think, It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. There once was a munk from Siberia, whose habits were rather inferiour. He had don to a nun what non should have done. So now, she's Mother Superiour. On the chest of a barmaid from Hale Were inscribed all the prices of ale. Whilst on her behind for the sake of the blind Were precisely the same, but in Braille. A horny young man named Swallow Told a girl as they kissed in a hollow "Did you know that my dick" "Is three inches thick?" She said. "Gee thats a hard one to swallow" There once was a young man named Enos, who had a sixteen inch long penis. two hookers named claire, said sir,if we share, we'll still have eight inches between us! There was a young woman named Liza Whose tits were of different sizes. One was so small, It was hardly at all, But the other was large and won prizes. An old New York Met named Tom Seaver, Was once rendered impotent by fever. He said with dismay "I don't like it this way, It kills my desire for beaver." There once was a man from Belair Who was fucking his wife on the stair When the bannister broke He redoubled his stroke And finished the job in mid-air There once was a man from Tashkent Who's prick was all buckled and bent To save himself trouble He put it in double And instead of cuming he went There once was a girl named Lisa Whose ass I wanted a piece-a She got on her knees Said "do what you please, I take Mastercard and Visa" There once was a young lady from Heath Who circumsized young men with her teeth She said with a grin It's not for the skin But rather the cheese underneath. Old mrs. Hubbard Went to the cupboard To give her poor dog a bone When she bent over The dog took over And gave her a bone of his own. There once was a Bishop of Birmingham Who'd bugger young boys while confirming 'em While studying Jobe He'd lift up his robe And pump episcopal sperm in 'em. There is a man from St. Ira He came here to find ya. His name was billy He had a big willy That he would like to stick inside ya.
There's no call for your rhymes, neat and dapper? And you can't afford paper or wrapper? For the poetic soul, Broke, on the dole, There is always the wall in the crapper. She stood in her splendor, quite nude: Said blind Justice, "My hearing's grown crude; When they said `Election' I mis-heard `Erection' But I guess either way I got screwed!" There once was a man from Winsocket Who stuck his cock in a socket. Then some son of a bitch Turned on the switch. And he went up like a rocket. Mary had a little lamb She fed it castor oil And every time it jumped the fence It fertilized the soil. When lawyers dine out, don't you know, They have split-fee soup, just for show. They dazzle their guest And I can attest That the entree is broiled squid pro quo. There once was a schemer named Ponzi Who annoyed some crude poets on Sundy They flamed at his post But what hurt him the most Was that nobody sent him their mon, see? Of mad cow's disease, said Cow 1: "No harm can ever be done To me or to you." "Why's that?" asked Cow 2. "We're frogs!" said the first. "Ain't that fun?" The second cow thought: Is it true? Then color my green hide all blue! For we've big baggy udders Instead of webbed rudders, And in place of a ribbet we moo.